“I AM FRUSTRATED.”
“I AM OVERWHELMED.”
“WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?”
I hear this a lot from agents, clients, colleagues, and friends. When someone comes to you with a problem, what is your first response? By nature, we’re wired to be problem solvers and fixers, and as leaders, it’s our job to frame up our response to not so much serve as a bandaid, but rather as an opportunity for that person to learn and grow.
Let’s talk about reframing.
“I am frustrated.”
Our natural response when we hear someone we care about say that they’re frustrated is something along the lines of: “how can I help?” We want to identify the actual problem, ask probing questions, and offer a solid solution. Let’s think outside the box and challenge this though. Knowing the source of frustration, we’re going to reframe our response to something more proactive and impactful: “What can you learn from this experience that can make you a better parent/agent/person in the future?” Maybe it is resetting expectation… maybe it is revisiting your value proposition… maybe it is something completely unrelated to the frustration…
My point is, it isn’t always OUR JOB to be the problem solvers for other people. As leaders, it is our job to help people learn and grow.
“I am overwhelmed.”
My own knee-jerk response would be: “what can I take off of your plate?” What could possibly be a better response than digging in and helping out? Maybe we can try to help this person sort through what is indeed important and urgent and identify those things blocking the flow of productivity. “What is something you’re doing right now that if you stopped doing, nobody would notice?” The biggest source of overwhelm is overcommitment, and people quite often commit to things that aren’t always in alignment with their purpose or their own values. Folks need to examine those commitments and determine what of those things are critical and what aren’t really necessary. Pulling something off of their plate might be a great temporary Band-Aid, but it wont at all foster growth or helping them learn a skill to think critically about their own discomforts.
“Why is this happening to me?”
Ooof. There is a LOT to unpack with this question and perhaps a million different responses to try to console and comfort someone who is clearly experiencing pain. Awful things do unfortunately happen, and this next tactic is not for emergencies, major life changes, or similar calamitous events. This is specifically for the person who finds themself in a moment of catastrophizing.
When faced with overwhelm, despair or frustration, it is so easy to keep piling on the reasons to stay in that negative headspace because we’re naturally conditioned to seek reason and patterns. On the receiving end of this message, it is also a perfectly natural if not visceral urge to protect those we care about from suffering. May I offer a solid response that could in fact not only help your person reframe their perspective, but maybe also help you? Ask them who is in control. Are things happening to them or are they making things happen? Examine the sky falling down and ask if it is really true. Pick apart the limiting beliefs. Isolate specific obstacles and stay the course. Compounding might feel cathartic but in actuality it is poison.
CHANGE THE GAME
The next step, and probably the most impactful one, is to flip the script and use this tactic not on other people, but rather on ourselves.
Ask yourself this:
“What if these things are actually happening FOR me?”
I truly hope this gives you something to think about when you have conversations with your friends, your family, your sphere, and yourself.
Be the leader.
As always, it is an honor and a pleasure to be in business with you.
Coach Lins
