I don’t know who needs to hear this, and this message might only land on a couple of you, but here goes…
You’re allowed to make yourself a priority.
We often remind people to put their own oxygen masks on first, but what does that mean, exactly? Metaphorically, it’s in reference to taking care of our own needs first during a plane crash, which is a little bit dramatic, don’t you think? What about everyday life, though? Do we need to be reminded about self-care during non-emergencies? Maybe. Do we need a nudge to prioritize our physical and mental health on a random Thursday? Probably. The thing is, we get so caught up in the hamster wheel of task accomplishments that we end up topping off everybody else’s cup and neglecting our own. This is unsustainable, and quite frankly, it’s a little dangerous.
To the people with children, to the people caring for aging parents or spouses, to the compulsive people pleasers, to the “call me any time, day or night” people… to the serial empaths, to the compassionate caregivers, to the doting friends and to the selfless community members: you’re allowed to put yourselves first.
Vulnerability warning- I’m about to get super real with you here.
Over the past six months I’ve given myself space to slow down and focus on myself more than ever. I’ve learned that living most of my life with undiagnosed ADHD was more than just a life of forgetting things and spacing out. It was a life of insecurity and intense rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It was a life of chronic anxiety and frequent depression. It was constant overachievement and setting unrealistic standards for myself. It was also a life of masking and adapting my own personality to fit the needs of others for so long that I didn’t even know who I really was anymore.
Last fall I made the conscious decision to get to know myself better, and it was the hardest and most beautiful decision I have ever made. I learned what’s real about myself and what I’ve been masking. I learned how to embrace my differences from other people and I learned how to be comfortable knowing that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.
Most importantly, I learned what I really want. See, my father is sick and he will likely pass away soon. He’s not going to see my kids grow up, and he’ll never meet my grandchildren. He won’t have another Christmas in his own home and he’ll never see the kitchen remodel we completed last summer. His health decline is my biggest wake up call because it feels like only yesterday when he was my age. Life is so stinkin’ short, you guys.
I realize that I have no time to waste, so I’m setting the most bizarre health and fitness goals for myself (even though they make complete sense to me). I’m now entering the “Buff Mom” phase of my life, which will continue until I’m in the dirt myself. I want to swim 100 miles this year. I can curl the weight of my 7-year old now, and I plan to be able to continue to curl his body weight until he’s ten. I can bench press the weight of my 10-year-old today, and I plan to still be able to bench her body weight when she’s sixteen. Every year of my life I plan to do one extraordinary thing. This year I’m publishing a book. Next year I’ll run my first half-marathon. The year after that maybe a triathlon. I haven’t decided yet but it’s going to be awesome.
I’ve also learned to identify the things that are no longer serving me and how to let those things go. Saying yes to everything doesn’t serve me, so I’m more purposeful about my commitments. Relationships with certain toxic people have never served me, and I’m reconciling my sense of obligation with my true sense of self and my own needs. Alcohol doesn’t serve me. I stopped drinking back in January not because of addiction but because my metabolism has recently morphed to the point that the three days of booze blues don’t justify the two glasses of pinot noir I consume with my girlfriends over dinner. Menopause doesn’t serve me so with the partnership with a great practitioner I’m managing that with hormone replacement therapy. (I knew I’d keep losing people throughout this blog). ADHD doesn’t always serve me. I do credit it for being my operations and technical superpower, but I often struggle being fully present with my children when the work day is done because I have a hard time stopping my brain from fixing problems, building projects, or solving puzzles. I’m now test driving management practices and medications to see if there’s a way I can be a more focused mom. I WANT to dig into the Minecraft dungeons with Odie or sculpture project with Bugs, but a quiet brain is completely foreign to me so this is a new challenge I can’t wait to conquer.
The coolest thing about this whole me-priority thing? It doesn’t feel gross. I used to think that prioritizing myself meant that I needed to sacrifice my priorities to others, but something remarkable happened: it was the opposite. Much like adding a second puppy or a second child to a family and wondering how you’ll have enough love to go around, we learn that our hearts don’t redistribute the love but rather they actually grow, so do our priorities and focus. My focus expanded rather than redirected. I’m now a better wife, a better mother, and a better friend today than I was before I began this journey. I’m more self-aware and self-secure. My mind is clear, my anxiety is low, and I’m fully present. I am also surrounded by incredible humans who are pushing me and cheering me on and checking in on me. People I can text a screenshot of a swim time out of the blue to or drop a note about a finished chapter are my tribe of motivators, and I’m grateful to have them all in my corner as I am in theirs.
I’m not going to sugar coat it: things right now are weird. Our economy is messed up. Our political leaders are throwing us curve balls, and every morning we wake up to news that seems more likely to be sourced from The Onion rather than the Associated Press. Many of us feel like we have very little control, and these feelings can quickly spiral. Whether we’re willing to admit it or not, we are once again collectively experiencing traumatic events, and it is paramount that we prioritize our fundamental basic needs before anything else: food, shelter, water, companionship, and mental health.
So here’s a loving reminder from me to you: don’t forget to care for yourself. Go for that walk. Take the trip. Make the phone call. Write the book. Swim the lap. And when you do the things, whether they’re big or they’re small: celebrate.
Love yourself, care for yourself, and get to know yourself better. If you’re as lucky as me, you might discover something really magical inside.
As always, it is an honor and a privilege to be in business with each and every one of you.
Yours in Success,
Coach Lins
